Sunday, February 19, 2006

Z-Man and Lance

[Z-Man attempts to seduce Lance Rock]
Lance: Pfft – Bwahahaha! Hahahahaha!
Z-Man: I have never before been spurned. Superwoman.
Lance: You wanna know something? You're right! You wanna know something else? I'm gonna take a downer and crash.
Z-Man: You varlet! You serf! You buggering knave! How dare you cast aside my alabaster charms? My capacious love? My undying troth? Yes, I vow it. 'Ere this night does wane you will drink the black sperm of my vengeance!
[Lance, now hog-tied, struggles]
Z-Man: How now, jungle lad? Why so helpless and why so frail? Where is your much-vaunted muscular prowess?
Lance: Hey, I don't know your story, and I don't wanna know it. All I know is these goddamn ropes are cuttin' the hell out of my wrists and I want out now!
Z-Man: Growl, vassal! You spoil Superwoman's sport when you whine and succor me. Jungle lad should be silent and mighty, not a groveling ant creeping across the malodorous moat! Besides, methinks you miss the point. You are doing what I want. Exactly what I demand, sir. At last the king of the jungle comes under the imperious rule of she who is inconquerable: Superwoman. How it excites me! Your legendary strength rendered impotent as you grovel before the greatest superhero of all time!
Lance: The man's out of his gourd...
Z-Man: Methinks you remind me of certain things. Don't move, you churl! Don't move a single muscle of that finely-fleshed body!
Lance: You're a freak, Barzell! You're a stone freak! I'll get you back in spades, Barzell! I'll get you, you mother!
Z-Man: [wielding Excalibur] The vorpal blade goes snickersnack! Ah, yes, jungle lad. Meet my friend Excalibur! Mightiest sword of all time! Wrought by Woden, the god of time, legendary blade of King Arthur! Hurled into the lake, it sprang forth again all shining and pure! And now, now it is wielded by she who will eclipse all their deeds, Arthur, Lancelot, and even mighty Coeur de Leon – Superwoman!
Lance: Listen, Ronnie – you see Ronnie, this whole thing has been a big game, right? A big put-on. We've been puttin' each other on, man! You see, the trouble is that, that you think it's for real. But it's not! Now we're friends, aren't we? Remember, Z-Man? Put the sword away. C'mon, Z-Man, put it away, you don't need it.
[Z-Man sheathes Excalibur]
Lance: Yeah.
Z-Man: Z-Man? There is no Z-Man, varlet! And indeed, it is not a game we play! I am Superwoman!
[Z-Man reveals breasts]
Lance: Oh my god, no! You've been a broad all along, right Barzell? A goddamned broad! A goddamned ugly broad, Barzell! Hahaha! An ugly broad! Hahahaha!
[Accomanied by Twentieth Century Fox theme music, Z-Man charges, Excalibur raised]
Lance: No Ronnie, no!
[Lance is decapitated]